There’s a quote from a favorite little book of mine that has been coming to mind for me lots lately……it’s from Illusions by Richard Bach……
“You teach best what you most need to learn”
This truth really is what has inspired the whole of my life’s work, especially my coaching work and is the inspiration behind my Art of Transformation Course. I brought to it all the learning, wisdom and self-help tools that have helped me on my path in life. My first big learning came from the kids with emotional and behavioral problems I used to work with back in the 90’s. My role was teacher to them but really they were the ones who taught me well……..taught me about how each and every one of us no matter how ‘dysfunctional’, no matter how much we act out in life due to our inner chaos and struggles, is worthy of being positively regarded, of being unconditionally loved. They inspired me beyond words these youngsters who had the balls to be angry, to dare to act out their hurt and pain, to go joy ride and glue sniff to get their highs and escape their pain ~ for a short while. They were surviving as best they knew how.
And really who was it who had emotional and behavioral problems? Them or society’s judgment of them? Weren’t they simply trying to let everyone know of their inner pain in the only way they knew how? I believe so.
I didn’t realize why I admired them so much til recently when on my own inner path of transformation (yes, I walk my talk and my head gets held in the fires of transformation more than any of you who are brave enough to engage with me! How else would I have earned the right for you to put your faith and trust in me as so many of you have, and continue to do. There’s nothing I haven’t first fully tested out on myself that I won’t guide you through holding your hand. If it doesn’t work on me then it’s chucked out! Fast! And when I am not on my game I take time out to re find my balance….as I have done recently. My integrity is vital to my work……..you pay me to show up and be fully present with open heart to your pain and my guarantee to you is to do so )
These young warriors had the courage to let their pain, and trauma, come out. Albeit destructive at times, but at least it was being given expression which is healthy! I have become aware lately of the true extent to which my early childhood was completely and utterly suppressive of my innate organic nature. To survive I literally had to stuff my fear, my anger my sadness……..each and every feeling except the ones acceptable to my parents and teacher, and well, everyone really! I was conditioned to be a ‘good girl’ to please others and gain their approval. I am only now beginning to contact those places within my body where these suppressed feelings have been stored for 48 years! And it’s been intense. I get now why the solar plexus chakra is where we hold our power, our self-esteem. Those old Indian gurus who named the chakras did know a thing or two. I have been discovering the ‘fizzy explosion feeling’ in my tummy is actually my anger, my stuffed suppressed power and in all honesty it scares the shit out of me still. But I know my work is to befriend it, to listen to what story it wants to tell me about how terrifying childhood was a lot of the time. And how it’s safe now to let it have expression.
This past year has seen me walk a path of purification I had no idea was possible to walk…..and this time my prayer had been a fierce one! What happens when your deepest prayer is for freedom, inner liberation and enlightened realization? First and foremost all your prior ego strategies of survival must be stripped away, so the illusion of the personality and psyche gets shattered into a million little pieces. It’s not pretty to stare head on into the shadow and reflect fully on the destruction and pain its caused to self and others. Then all attachment to everything dear and clung to is also stripped away, leaving you……in the dark night of the soul and with no idea of who you really are! In the times of surrender into this void of feeling a nothing and a nobody I have amidst the terror, experienced small glimpses of the peace that I imagine those enlightened masters reside in all the time. Then all too soon its gone again! Leaving me with the realization that a mediation practice is called just that for a reason…..because it takes practice and dedication! And coming back to the meditation cushion over and over again, practicing mindfulness, watching my thoughts race and holding onto the knowledge that I am not my thoughts is the thread I hold onto that is pulling me out of this trap of the mind.
So……..in case any of you are wondering if I am on my game still, despite my own life disintegrating and being transformed into something new, then yes…….depends on what your perspective is on growth and transformation and what you are looking for in a guide!
Yes I am back on my game in that I am able again to be fully present to others pain and sit with open hearted compassion whilst they find their own healing movements. And yes, the shifts just keep on getting deeper for people……maybe because I have more depth of compassion from my own inner journeys of transformation of late? Who knows……it’s a mystery to me how all this works. Because in truth, what I offer to people comes through me, is not of me. I simply show up with a desire to be of service in some way.
If you just want fluffy nice happy transformation then this maybe isn’t the place for you to come seek support……the path I offer is one that at times is ruthless in its pursuit of freedom, and there are no guarantees as to where you’ll find yourself. But one thing is for sure……I’ll hold you in a container of trust, deep respect and love. And I’ll bring every ounce of compassion and honoring to your courage to dare to dive in with me. To see what is on the other side of pain and suffering when all resistance to what is is let go of.
Maybe it will birth you into bliss, freedom, peace…..enlightenment! It’s my prayer for you as it is my prayer for me.
Anyone brave enough out there to sign up for The Art of Transformation this fall? I have….signed up that is! Been doing the art of transformation all my life really!
Hope you may feel the inner calling to join me in the fires too…….that phoenix awaits you!